Speak your mind...

I’ve been thinking about how I like to write, and how most people (I guess) don’t. And how I DON’T like to talk, but again, most people (I guess) do. And I’ve been thinking about all the times in my life I’ve been made to feel as if I’m the defective one, as if writing is some form of substandard communication, only employed by freaks and outcasts – strange, unintelligible pariahs incapable of vocal language. Yes, according to the majority – and majority rules – I am the one who should be required to change.

And yet how often have I found myself wondering, “what is wrong with these OTHER people? What is so wrong with them that they can’t simply write down all the things rattling around in their brains?” Of course, questions like that just lead to other questions – like, “do other people HAVE thoughts and words rattling around in their brains 24/7?” Maybe most people DON’T have words wandering around aimlessly in their psyches. Which makes me worry that I’m not only a freak, an outcast, and a pariah, but also just outright weird…

But how difficult is it to simply WRITE the things you’d just as soon SPEAK? I suppose “normal” people might ask just the opposite – how difficult is it to speak the things you write? Unfortunately, for me, it can be ridiculously difficult. Speaking has always been a fear of mine, and no matter how irrational it may seem to some people, that knowledge of the “irrational” makes little difference. I’ve never heard of anyone with a fear of writing – a DISLIKE, perhaps, but certainly not a fear. Nobody is afraid of WRITING a report – but standing up in front of a few dozen people to TALK about it? Plenty of people dread such a situation. School bullies don’t band together to ridicule the kid who hates spelling class – but the shy kid? Fair game.

When I was in high school, I let an acquaintance read something I’d written. When she was finished, she said, “Wow, Lisa… it’s like you’re two different people – the one who talks, and the one who writes.” In my life, I’ve compensated for my lack of vocal confidence with a fierce devotion to writing. I happily send and answer emails, I text message with abandon, and I have no problem with writing out random strings of thoughts for everyone and their brother (and my brother!) to read. And I have to agree with my classmate’s assessment – I DO have a tendency to hide the “real me” from most people, when I’m in a face-to-face setting. But the real me – my sense of humor, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my words – all of these come out when I feel free to write.

Writing, for me, is simply taking all these words that float around in my mind on a daily basis and putting them to paper (or computer, as the case may be...). I suppose for most people, talking is the same way – you think about something, you say it. Simple as that. But when I open my mouth to talk, my words are met with a roadblock – they’re starved of oxygen, barely able to form a flame before fading to smoke. Whereas THESE words – the ones I write down – actually stand a chance of being noticed and picked out and chosen from the streams of never-ending linguistic choices in my mind. Why these same words make a run for the hills every time I start talking is a mystery to me.

The hope I always have is that people will have the patience to understand that the things I write are a valid form of communication. When I have things to say, I can say them – maybe not always when I talk, but definitely when I write. Does it mean less if it’s written as opposed to spoken? Does it lose some kind of credibility when the words are literally visible? Is it not worth the effort it takes to read through a few paragraphs? I suppose it’s all a matter of perception. But no matter what anyone’s perception is, I know I’ll be writing for as long as the words continue to journey through my mind.