Sunday, April 04, 2010

An open letter...

To the girl wearing Ugg boots and shorts on an 85-degree day in Austin, Texas:

First of all, everyone knows that "Ugg" translates to "ugly." Just because something is trendy does not mean it's attractive (see: skinny jeans). Second, please don't dress like that. You look ridiculous. Your outfit is saying, "is it warm? Is it cold? I can't tell, so I'd better be prepared for either."

Let me answer the questions postulated by your warm-weather attire and cold-weather shoes -- it's WARM. I would think you'd be able to confirm this fact as soon as you opened your front door and set your snug-as-a-bug tootsies onto a slab of heat-radiating concrete.

But no, apparently you STILL worry about the prospect of casually strolling down the sidewalk, without a care in the world, and accidentally stumbling upon a wayward snowbank displaced from Wisconsin or North Dakota. Let me assure you -- this almost never happens. The odds of needing a pair of cushy, sheepskin-lined boots are practically nil.

Or perhaps you're striving for that most elusive of melanin enhancers -- the always-sexy two-thirds-of-a-leg tan. Look, I realize, as an ultra-white person myself, that I'm really not qualified to give tanning advice. But c'mon -- "pale calves/tan knees" is never a good look. Either go for the whole leg, or just wear jeans. Pick one. 

And I don't care if you saw a picture of Britney Spears rocking the same outfit outside a gas station in Malibu a couple weeks ago. Considering Britney really hasn't "rocked" an outfit since, oh, 2003, I wouldn't rely on her for fashion cues.

So go ahead -- break out the sandals. Or, if that seems a bit extreme, a nice pair of Nikes or Converse would be totally acceptable. If you do end up stepping ankle-deep into a cold, slushy puddle, you can blame me. I take full responsibility.

Thank you.

A Neighbor

1 comment:

G said...

I'm sorry, the mental picture I just got was too funny for words.

I have enough problems trying to understand what Uggs are to begin with (had to ask my son what they were late last year), so to pair them with shorts in the warm weather, would make me turn my head and have pretty much the same reaction as yours.