An open letter...

To the girl wearing Ugg boots and shorts on an 85-degree day in Austin, Texas:

First of all, everyone knows that "Ugg" translates to "ugly." Just because something is trendy does not mean it's attractive (see: skinny jeans). Second, please don't dress like that. You look ridiculous. Your outfit is saying, "is it warm? Is it cold? I can't tell, so I'd better be prepared for either."

Let me answer the questions postulated by your warm-weather attire and cold-weather shoes -- it's WARM. I would think you'd be able to confirm this fact as soon as you opened your front door and set your snug-as-a-bug tootsies onto a slab of heat-radiating concrete.

But no, apparently you STILL worry about the prospect of casually strolling down the sidewalk, without a care in the world, and accidentally stumbling upon a wayward snowbank displaced from Wisconsin or North Dakota. Let me assure you -- this almost never happens. The odds of needing a pair of cushy, sheepskin-lined boots are practically nil.

Or perhaps you're striving for that most elusive of melanin enhancers -- the always-sexy two-thirds-of-a-leg tan. Look, I realize, as an ultra-white person myself, that I'm really not qualified to give tanning advice. But c'mon -- "pale calves/tan knees" is never a good look. Either go for the whole leg, or just wear jeans. Pick one. 

And I don't care if you saw a picture of Britney Spears rocking the same outfit outside a gas station in Malibu a couple weeks ago. Considering Britney really hasn't "rocked" an outfit since, oh, 2003, I wouldn't rely on her for fashion cues.

So go ahead -- break out the sandals. Or, if that seems a bit extreme, a nice pair of Nikes or Converse would be totally acceptable. If you do end up stepping ankle-deep into a cold, slushy puddle, you can blame me. I take full responsibility.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
A Neighbor