Everybody say it with me now: NOOOOOOO!!

So yesterday evening, I was feeling about as upbeat as I can feel, knowing I’d done a good job with my proofreading work, and looking forward to Eric flying down for a visit today. I worked out and took a shower – my usual routine – while thinking about what I’d make for dinner. I was in a fairly decent mood, so I figured I’d be ambitious and make something really good. I was thinking about a basil pesto chicken with a little bit of pasta, and some mashed cauliflower on the side. It sounded good in my mind, so I thought it’d be fun to try. I finished my shower, got dressed, and opened the bathroom door, ready to head to the kitchen and play chef. But Rick, who had just returned home from work, was standing in the doorway, blocking my escape. His hands were behind his back, and he had some weird look on his face… amusement? Pity? A little bit of both, perhaps? “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he said. “Remember, I’m just the one delivering the message.”

What the heck was THAT supposed to mean? Wait – were the guys in the fantasy baseball league saying bad things about me again? I know, I know, I thought, as I stood in the bathroom doorway, he’s gonna tell me that Bryan or Greg or Tim or EVERYONE is saying that the only reason I did well last year was because of dumb luck, and it’ll never happen again. Okay, fine. I can take it. “What is it?” I asked. And even as I said it, I had a bad feeling that whatever Rick was going to tell me had nothing to do with fantasy baseball. (Oh, how I wish it had had something to do with fantasy baseball…)

He silently brought his hands around to where I could see them, and handed me a large white post card with some sort of ominous red lettering on top. I could feel my good mood vanishing with the steam in the bathroom, floating away on little wisps, probably growing moldy. For there, on the top of the card, were the words I’d been dreading to see for years: OFFICAL JURY SUMMONS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ARGH!!!! And did I say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yet?

Rick said my reaction to this was quite Biblical – there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. I really have been living in terrified fear of receiving a jury summons, ever since I realized a few years ago that everyone I knew had been “summoned” at least once, and most people I know have been called two or three times. But I’d NEVER gotten a jury summons. Ever. I didn’t know what I was doing to avoid detection, but I hoped that whatever it was would continue working… that somehow, I would remain hidden, invisible, unseen to whatever computer was spitting out random names in this horrible lottery that no one wants to win. But my unknown defenses, whatever they were, have let me down. HOW DID THEY FIND ME? I used to be invisible…

And I know that no one seems to find jury duty all that pleasant – but that’s NORMAL people. For those of us who are quite abnormal, and much too shy for our own good, being called to jury duty is like being thrown into a tank full of piranhas. Yeah, have fun clawing your way out of THAT. Oh, and of course there’s the added bonus of lawyers – so really, it’s like a tank full of piranhas with a few great white sharks thrown in for good measure. (Uh, no offense to any lawyers out there… I’m speaking, of course, about defense attorneys… maybe…)

I just have this horrible feeling that someone is going to think I’m perfect for a jury. (Hey, check out that quiet girl who looks really terrified and unsure of herself – like she’s waiting for us to tell her what to say… yeah, we’ll go with her.) Couple that with the fact that I am COMPLETELY unable to express myself verbally… it HAS to be in writing, otherwise I either sound like I have no opinions whatsoever, or I sound like a babbling idiot. And everyone knows that babbling idiots are perfect for juries. I am in so much trouble here…

I’ve been going over the list of exemptions and disqualifications, and I just can’t seem to find anything that works for me. Let’s see… You can be excused if you are over 70 years of age. (Well, that’s not gonna work… I can’t even pass for my OWN age most of the time… poor me… haha…). You can be excused if you have legal custody of a child younger than 10 and can’t find a decent babysitter. (Hmmm… I wonder if I could adopt a kid in a week? Angelina Jolie does it all the time – how hard can it be?) You can be excused if you are enrolled and attend college. (Darn it!!! I KNEW I should’ve gone back to school this year. I should just go back to school indefinitely. If I was in school forever, then I’d always have an excuse. I could get fifteen different degrees and be the most well-rounded person on the planet.) You can be excused if you are the primary caretaker of a person who is an invalid. (Um, Rick, you may be involved in an “accident” some time this week…)

And let’s see… You can be disqualified if you’re not a citizen of this state. (I can move – I’ll move tomorrow. I’ll move to North Dakota… I don’t care, I’m desperate here…) You can be disqualified if you can’t read and write. (Don’t ANYONE tell anyone else about my blog… it doesn’t exist… I don’t even know what I’m typing… koijvmlkdoijselkljr…) You can be disqualified if you are not of sound mind and good moral character. (Okay, c’mon – I’m thinking of moving to North Dakota – I’m obviously NOT of sound mind… and did I mention I sacrifice babies in my backyard as offerings to the Yankee gods? That doesn’t seem very moral to me…) And you can be disqualified if you’ve been convicted of a misdemeanor theft or felony. (Excuse me… I’ve got to go shoplifting… I mean shopping… no, wait, I really DO mean shoplifting…)

Sigh… it’s no use… it’s hopeless… if anybody needs me, I’ll be on my way to North Dakota…