Yesterday, the big story in the news was the natural gas smell that was permeating every corner of Manhattan. People were afraid and uncertain – was it a gas line? If someone lit a match, would the entire island explode in a ball of flame? Should someone have been sent out to extinguish the Statue of Liberty’s torch? It was a perplexing mystery, a frightening conundrum, a bizarre olfactory riddle with no obvious answer. Thank goodness, at least, that my man Derek Jeter was out of the city, traipsing around with that floozy tart Jessica Biel. (What right does SHE have to put her trampy little paws all over MY man? Huh? Jessica Biel – ha! More like Jezebel Biel… running around in her little white bikini on the beach with the love of my life… harlot… Okay, I suppose there’s a possibility I may be overreacting slightly. I mean, seeing as I’ll never actually come into any kind of contact with Derek Jeter… and oh yeah, I’m married. That too. Whatever. Hussy. Trollop. Bimbo. Actually, now I’m just trying to come up with as many words as I can that sound funny and are synonymous to “prostitute”…)
Where was I? Oh yeah – Manhattan smelled bad yesterday. (Eventually, Derek Jeter will realize that Jessica Biel is NOT what he needs to make him happy…) So today I’m browsing through various news sites (I mean, c’mon – I came in second in my fantasy baseball league! Did JESSICA BIEL ever come in second in a fantasy baseball league???), and it seems that many authorities have come to the same conclusion about the strange Manhattan smell. (She’s not even a GOOD actress… oh wait, let me guess – guys don’t care about her “acting ability,” do they? All they care about is how she looks in that stupid white bikini…) Yes, the obvious culprit when a bad smell hits the island of Manhattan is, quite simply, NEW JERSEY.
Here are just a few examples of the headlines today:
NYC Eyes N.J. for Odor Source
Culprit in NYC Gas Smell: Stinky Ol’ New Jersey
New York Officials Say New Jersey May Be to Blame for Manhattan Stink
New Jersey Sniffed Out as Source of Stench
Sure, sure – any time you’re in Manhattan and you get a whiff of something nasty, it MUST be from New Jersey, right? Apparently, because of the way the wind was blowing, they think the smell was coming from the industrialized waterfront. It’s just funny to me how this whole thing played right into the “New Jersey is a cesspool” stereotype that seems to be prevalent out there in non-New-Jersey-land.
Of course, I was guilty of the exact same thing when I was thirteen years old and found out we were moving there – all I could picture in my head was concrete and factories. And flying into Newark doesn’t seem very promising – it IS pretty much just concrete and factories. But I’ll never forget, after a short drive to the west, how green and hilly and rural the rest of New Jersey seemed the first time I saw it. And I’ll never forget sitting in the back of a car, hanging on to the seat for dear life, as our realtor drove us around looking for houses on winding little rural roads. He flung the car around turns and launched it over hills at what seemed impossible speeds. But years later, after I’d been driving around myself on those hilly, twisting roads for some time, Rick would be in my car, hanging on to HIS seat for dear life – those roads just take some getting used to. Once you figure them out, you can navigate them quite easily. :)
It seems a bit unfair to me that New Jersey has this reputation for being full of concrete and refineries, and for being a state that apparently exudes unpleasant smells and unleashes odorous perplexities on its neighbor to the east. We never seem to hear about all the hills, and the trees, and the lakes… or about how it only takes a short drive to find yourself in a place where concrete is few and far between… or about how, in springtime, the air quite frequently smells of flowers. Maybe “Stinky Ol’ New Jersey” smells funny now and then, but so do a lot of other states... ever drive past a herd of cattle in the middle of Nebraska? Or the poultry farms in Georgia? Ever been to the Great Salt Lake? Or the mud pits in Yellowstone? (My mom has many pictures of me with my arm across my nose in these places… I was very sensitive to yucky smells when I was a kid. :))
Sometimes stuff stinks, and that’s just the way it is. Stinky Ol’ New Jersey – ha! More like Stinky Ol’ Jessica Biel…
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