Love the hair, hate the spiders...

So last night at around 11 my dog wanted to go outside. And, seeing as it was a nice, warm, clear evening, I went outside with her. I sat next to the pool and gazed at the stars and listened to the crickets, and marveled at the beauty of nature, blah, blah, blah. And then I came back inside and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for a peaceful night of slumber. As I reached for my toothbrush, and my long hair fell over my shoulder, something caught my eye. It was a few strands of hair that seemed lighter than the rest of my hair… no, wait. It wasn’t hair at all. It was a SPIDER. Suddenly the beauty of nature was looking much less appealing to me. The beauty of nature is supposed to stay OUTSIDE – it’s not supposed to stowaway in locks of hair. The spider was ascending a few strands, like it was climbing one of those ropes in gym class – except the spider was really good at it. He was closing the gap of distance between his horrible little arachnid body and my face…

I let out a strange sort of high-pitched squeak, doubled over so my hair fell away from my face, and began to jump up and down. Then I grabbed a fistful of hair near my scalp, and began shaking the whole thing. At this point I was fully engaged in an awkward dance, the likes of which you’ll never see in the next Shakira video. What’s worse is that I lost sight of the spider, and couldn’t tell if it was still hanging out in my hair, or if it had fallen to the floor. I ended my dance with a couple extra-high jumps, just to make sure the jolt had been hard enough to knock the little intruder away from me. When I stopped, I spotted it – STILL clinging to my hair by a thread. By a spider web thread. More high-pitched squeaking ensued (there’s a SPIDER WEB in my HAIR!!) and more hair shaking. And finally, I saw the source of my panic fall to the floor, where it stayed still long enough for me to squash it with a tissue.

After a few involuntary shudders, I got ready for bed and tried to fall asleep. But I couldn’t help but think that if I hadn’t spotted that little guy, I’d be falling asleep at that moment with a spider in my hair. (Another involuntary shudder, followed by a feeling of general ickiness… a feeling I think can best be summed up with the word, “eeyyyaageeeooooeeeeaahhh.”) I was also suddenly acutely aware of the fact that I was lying right next to the windowsill on which I still find ant carcasses, despite the fact the exterminator has been out to deal with them (at least they’re dead…). Eeyyyaageeeooooeeeeaahhh…

But despite the occasional bug or snag in the car door, I still like my long hair. When I was a little kid it was really short, and I can remember, even at the age of five or six, disliking my short hair. By the time I was seven it was growing longer, and it’s never been that short again. When I was a kid with long hair, I used to chew on it – I would take a little handful of hair, and pop it in my mouth, and chew away. Which seems completely bizarre to me now. What a strange habit. I think I stopped the hair chewing when I met a slightly older ex-hair chewer (yes, other people did this, too – not just me) who said she once accidentally bit down on a bug when she was chewing on her hair outside. That was it. No more hair chewing. And thank goodness, because if I’d never grown out of it, who knows if I would’ve been chomping on my hair last night??

I guess I do wonder now and then if I should cut some of this hair off. Last night, as I struggled to shake the spider loose, I was considering just grabbing Rick’s electric razor and shaving myself bald. I mean, if your problem is a spider in your hair, then the problem would be solved if you HAD no hair. I did chop a significant portion of my hair off about four years ago – it was slightly longer than chin-length. It was interesting, actually – it only took about five minutes to blow dry after a shower. I have no idea how long it takes now, because I don’t usually have that kind of time…

But I think for now I’ll keep it long. And the next time I go outside, I’ll just keep the razor on standby…

Yeah, I'm in there somewhere... if anyone sees a spider, could you take care of it for me? Thanks...