Could we maybe have 10 percent humidity?

I was watching a show called “Airline” on A&E yesterday, which is sort of a documentary-type program about daily life in different airports around the country. One of the people they focused on was a guy who’d gotten the dreaded “SSSS” on his ticket, which meant he was subject to a secondary security search. So that’s when you take off your shoes (if you haven’t already), let someone pat you down, allow them to go through your bag, put your shoes back on, and go along your merry way. Nobody likes it, but if you fly often enough, it’s bound to happen to you sooner or later. But instead of simply dealing with it and moving along, this man decided to complain to anyone who would listen to him. He was yelling at the gate agents, and the people running the cameras, and the people waiting to board the plane. He felt like he’d been unfairly singled out – and no, he wasn’t of any sort of Middle Eastern origin… he was just a guy who happened to get “SSSS” on his ticket.

The first six or seven times I flew after 9/11, I was chosen for secondary searches an awful lot. But maybe everyone was – we weren’t used to the new “rules” yet, so everyone was in a period of adjustment. I was patted down repeatedly, wondering if it was just another random search, or if I honestly looked threatening in some way. (Did I have shifty eyes? Had everyone finally gotten wise to the “be careful of the quiet ones” admonition?) I was even patted down by a MAN in the San Juan airport in Puerto Rico, an indignity I didn’t give a thought to until I was back at home. (Me five hours later: Hey, that was a GUY!)

And over the last few years, I have perfected my airport security routine, to the point where I can breeze through practically unnoticed. Because that seems to be the key – if you can get through unnoticed, without drawing any attention to yourself, you’re more likely to be on your way to the gate sooner. So I prepare at home – I wear as much metal-free clothing as possible, like t-shirts and yoga pants (although jeans work just fine – the buttons and zippers don’t seem to set off the metal detector)… and definitely nothing with the word “underwire” in the description. Flip flops are good, because they’re easy to take off and put on – but that means walking around on an airport floor barefoot, where who-knows-how-many OTHER people have walked. So I like to wear socks, and shoes I can slip on and off easily. I wear a limited amount of jewelry, if any at all. I put my watch into my carry on bag so I can put it on as soon as I get through security. My carry on is simple and uncluttered, and I only carry ONE bag. All of this makes the routine simple – take the shoes off when waiting in line for the metal detector, place in plastic bin, make sure boarding pass is in hand, put bin and bag on conveyor belt, walk through metal detector with boarding pass – viola. That’s it, I’m on my way. The simplicity of airport security seems to escape so many passengers that I actually got a “good job!” from a TSA agent by a metal detector in O’Hare Airport last time I flew out of Chicago. She was so harried from repeatedly telling people to take their shoes off and to hold their boarding passes, that she was actually impressed by someone who could do those things without being told to do them.

And then this morning I wake up and hear the news about the terror plots they uncovered in Britain – how they were planning on using liquid explosives to blow up planes flying to the U.S. Which means, of course, that in addition to the “no knives, no scissors” rule, we’re now faced with a “no liquids of any kind” rule. NO liquids. No water, no Gatorade, no hair spray, no hand lotion, no contact lens solution. Part of my “simple and uncluttered” carry on is always a little bag full of travel essentials. At least they’re essential to me. These include: lip balm, hand lotion, a travel brush, a bottle of Purell hand sanitizer, earplugs, contact lens rewetting drops and an extra case, a tube of lip gloss, and a bottle of The Body Shop’s Vitamin C Energizing Face Spritz. Yes, this stuff is essential. I mean, I don’t go around spritzing my face normally, but do you know how DRY it gets on airplanes? It’s like 3 percent humidity! Which also makes the hand lotion, contact lens drops, and lip balm completely essential. The hand sanitizer is a MUST, because everyone knows the water on planes is bound to contain E. coli – not to mention the fact that planes themselves are just great big germ incubators. But with these new restrictions, I’m down to lip balm, a brush, earplugs, and a useless contact lens case.

And don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about the decision to not allow these things on planes. I’m just complaining about how difficult it is to thwart the plans of people determined to kill all of us. I mean, in thwarting THEIR plans, we all have to willingly thwart our own, perfectly innocent plans. Like my plan to kill all the E. coli in the airplane bathroom. But any time you travel and arrive at your destination safely, you have to be grateful. Which is why I never complained about those pat-downs. Even the guy in Puerto Rico (seriously – that was just wrong…). Because most of this stuff is just minor inconvenience, in the grand scheme of things.

There are much worse things than arriving at my destination with dry eyes, parched hands, and a possible case of the flu…