Where's the miracle?

Rick and I were talking about movies last night – mainly about how the first three Star Wars movies were better than the last three. And by “first three” I’m of course referring to the three that were supposedly last in chronological order. Which would mean the last three were the first three, but not the first three that were the last three. I don’t think I know what I’m talking about anymore… Our conversation got me thinking about old movies. And by “old” I’m of course referring to any movie made before, um, let’s say 2000. (I think that should prevent anyone from being offended by the “old” label. Basically, I think you’re ALL old… there. No offense, right?) :)

I started to think about how Eric and I used to rent movies every weekend when we were teenagers. James Bond movies were our favorite. We rented every single one – even “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” with the very un-James Bond-like George Lazenby. Most of them we rented two or three times, until we knew the basics of every film: the Bond Girl… the likeable, hapless victim… the maniacally evil villain… and the completely improbable (and often downright impossible) blockbuster ending.

And then one weekend, we heard about a movie called “Miracle Mile” – I think it may have been recommended by someone in Eric’s class at school. So we rented it, and settled on the couch to watch. The movie featured Anthony Edwards (back when he had hair) as an average Joe kind of guy who picks up a ringing payphone one evening and hears a panicky voice talking about nuclear missiles. Whoever was on the other end of the line had just launched weapons heading toward the Soviet Union (yes –Anthony Edwards had hair, AND the Soviet Union was still in existence) and had meant to call someone else. So apparently the man was trusted with the codes to put a plan for world annihilation into play, but he was unable to dial a phone number correctly.

Anyway, in a nutshell, the rest of the story revolved around the small group of people who were privy to the fact that war was imminent, and their attempts to find a way to fly to Antarctica (as they assumed it would be the only part of the earth not contaminated with radiation). And to be honest, Eric and I were on the edge of our seats – literally. When we started the movie, we were lounging on the couch… after a few scenes, we were sitting up straight on the edge of the couch… by mid-movie, we’d moved to the coffee table… and by the time the film was drawing to a close, we’d abandoned furniture altogether and sat on the floor with our eyes perilously near to the “you’ll go blind if you sit there” position. In fact, the entire movie had had us completely interested and in suspense, waiting for the moment when our pre-ER hero would discover a way out of town, and start his new (albeit cold) life in Antarctica.

But then the helicopter he was riding in (with his girlfriend by his side) crashed in the middle of Los Angeles, and his hope for escape was cut off. But wait – the improbable James Bond-type ending was still on its way, right? Or perhaps the whole thing was simply a dream? Yes! That must be it! Eric and I waited for the “Surprise! Time to wake up!” scene, as Anthony Edwards spouted some sort of ridiculous dialogue about Superman, and how the heat of a nuclear blast could turn coal into diamond. As he and his girlfriend huddled in the back of the disabled helicopter, a white flash filled the screen. And then – the credits started to roll.

WHAT?? THAT’S THE WAY IT ENDS???

After watching the movie, Eric and I both agreed that Miracle Mile was one of the best suspense movies we’d seen, up until the final second. I’ve never seen a film that was completely ruined by ONE second, but that final moment left me feeling as if absolutely nothing was resolved. And if that was the case, then what was the point of the film in the first place? I mean, the word “miracle” is in the title, for goodness’ sake – was it too much to expect that SOMEONE would survive? Why didn’t they just call it “Everybody Dies” or “Futile Efforts” or “Nothing Happy Will Occur Within the Next Two Hours”? At least then we would’ve gone into it with a bit of preparation. Not that I think every movie I watch has to have a happy ending – but there’s a difference between “the end” and “THE end.”

After that, I think we pretty much stuck to James Bond movies. Yes, they can be a bit absurd, but at least you know that if James Bond is stuck in Los Angeles when nuclear warheads are on the way, he’ll be able to fly to Antarctica using his specially-designed suit jacket and ballpoint pen. And as long as he brings a few of those Bond Girls along, there should be no problem with repopulating the earth…